I was in a dysfunctional relationship for over six years with someone that dangled me along for a really bumpy ride, only to be told they didn’t wanna marry me. If there’s any type of person I loathe, it’s the time wasters. Obviously that relationship ended.
I spent only a year single and discovering what modern dating was like for young folks. It wasn’t pretty. Being single was fine until you start dating and you’re faced with just why you were single in the first place. It’s not always your own fault. Sometimes it’s just the fact that everyone else is also single and they dunno what the fuck they want, including you.
I still can’t get over just how confusing it all was! It’s uncommon for people to speak their minds and well, I guess that makes me uncommon. I felt that when it came to dating, it was most important to be upfront, open and honest. Though no one I encountered felt that way. No one was a straight shooter. There’s all this ghosting, there’s all this vagueness, there’s all this miscommunication and misunderstanding, there’s all this pent-up anxiety and I was also surprised to encounter passive aggressiveness. No one said what they meant and everyone’s actions did not reflect what they said. Nothing made sense. I finally had enough. Being a single cat lady was better than this bullshit.
I closed my Coffee Meets Bagel account. Seriously, has anyone gotten married through that app yet?! It sounds like a great idea on paper, but just doesn’t seem to work as well as anyone promised or hoped. I was ready to close my paid OkCupid account too, but by an unexplained urge through some divine intervention, I checked my trash. When you pay for the upgrades, you get to filter messages. Trust me, ladies, you wanna filter messages! I found my fiance in my trash. He didn’t send me an inappropriate message, but it fell under the “three words or less” filter, that lazy bastard! Anyway, we began messaging and we’re now planning our wedding! Romantic, I know.
I’ve been thinking about how my SO (significant other) differs from the other men. I wouldn’t say I’m attracted to a specific physical attribute. I dated/talked to guys that were tall, short, chubby, thin, different races. Though I will say almost all of them had black hair. I’m not sure if that counts.
I know for many people, looks matter a great deal. I trained myself to undo this mentality for myself because guess what, we all grow old. No matter how much plastic surgery you can afford, nothing hides the fact that you’re aging. Why care so much about looks when it’s so flimsy, temporary and fluctuates? Are you even sure you’re that good looking yourself? I tirelessly have this argument with young people and well, they don’t get it.
So what made my SO different? To be really honest, he’s not so different from my exes or even other men I dated/talked to. He has similar interests as these other guys. Similar careers even. He’s not perfect. He drives me crazy sometimes. I can’t say he’s uglier or better looking than other men, but I think he’s handsome. What it really came down to was that we’re on the same page with just about everything. We talk a lot about everything and we make sure we’re always on the same page. If we’re not on the same page, we meet each other halfway somehow. Most of it is pretty easy. I know that sounds really unromantic. It wasn’t this earth-shattering, epic, mind-blowing, romantically dramatic affair. It’s not what you see in the movies or read in the books. In fact, it’s quite boring in comparison. Because we both work to remain equal, it formed a deep emotional connection. I was involved with men that I thought were very compatible with my personality and probably more so than my SO, but there was never that type of connection that I have with my SO.
I know there’s a lot of talk about pickiness. Men and women are very picky creatures, or at least everyone seems to think so. I heard men complain about that a lot in the dating world. Well, if you’re particular about hair color and eye color, then yeah I would say you’re picky and you’re probably picking the wrong people to date! But for the most part, I think it boils down to whether or not that person feels connected to you and vice versa. You might even feel a connection, but they don’t and vice versa. It took me a long time to get over that. It’s not personal and you shouldn’t take it personally, but it feels like a punch-in-the-gut rejection. Trust me, you would rather feel “rejected” than to be dragged through a dysfunctional relationship throughout your 20’s. If you and the person you’re dating aren’t mostly on the same page about things, you’ll have a lot of disagreements and arguments. You’ll probably spend a lot of wasted time wondering what the fuck is wrong with them. I can guarantee they’ll be thinking the same of you.
It’s very cliche, but very true. When you meet that person, they really make you understand just why it never worked out with anyone else before them. Until then, you have to muddle through the trenches of modern dating. Godspeed, my friends.