The Applegates are a married couple who frequently visits the library to use their two hours of internet access playing FarmVille. I shit you not. The date is April 29th, 2017 and yes, FarmVille is still around. I had no idea until I started working here.

I think the year was 2009 or 2010 when FarmVille debut during the early states of Facebook. You remember almost all your friends were playing it and you’d get these notifications, hoping it was friends liking your well thought out and profound status updates, only to discover that it was Morgan asking you to buy a Sad Cow for him.

Mrs. Applegate must have been a bearded woman from a circus at one point. Her beard should be envied by all facial hair challenged men. It covers 2/3 of her face and is nice and thick, and symmetrical. I sometimes notice her shopping online for clothes, though I dunno why because she always wears large mumus. She can’t fit into anything else.

One afternoon, Vivien went to the women’s bathroom and found herself in a dangerous shit warzone. It was everywhere. On the walls, on the floor, on the stall doors, on the handicapped rail. Vivien claimed she saw Mrs. Applegate go to the bathroom, left the library, then came back wearing a different mumu. Clearly Mrs. Applegate was responsible for launching the Shit Missile from her ass on our poor bathroom.

Mr. Applegate has a look on his face like he’s slowly undressing you, or slowly killing you, or maybe both. Those dark beady eyes see right through your soul, I’m sure of it. He also looks like he suffers from permanent chicken pox. I have no idea what causes all those tiny red bumps that cover what seems like every inch of his body and I really don’t wanna know. I have a feeling that maybe a few extra showers would resolve the issue, but I would never suggest it. I noticed recently he’s been wearing jelly sandals. He’s the type that wears sandals with socks, of course. His jelly sandals are a matte black. I wonder if he thinks they could pass as men’s sandals because they’re black. I wouldn’t think twice if he wanted to wear hot pink, glittered jelly sandals, though.

As mean as my descriptions of the Applegates are, they are two of the nicest library patrons I’ve ever had in my entire library career. Did I mention I’ve been working in public libraries since I was 18 years old? Anyway, they’re super nice and sweet people, if not just a tad bit gross. Then one day, Lauren mentioned Gerald’s name, our Reference Librarian in a conversation and Mrs. Applegate exclaimed, “oh, that little fucker!” That’s basically how most of us feel about Gerald. The Applegates are literally all of us.

Road Trip

A couple of times a year, I get so frustrated with all the Facebook angst that floods my News Feed that I end up taking a break. After about thirty-one days of social media-free bliss, I fall back into the addiction again. This time’s trigger was a “friend” posting a blurred picture of a road and a heartfelt story about how someone offended her (it was me) when they said road trips are for college students and how it’s a much better use of your time when you just fly to your destination to get there faster. Those weren’t my exact words, by the way.

First of all, she was driving to another city in our home state, which is only three hours away. I don’t consider that a road trip. And why was she taking pictures when she was driving?! Pay attention to the road, bitch! Second of all, I’m almost positive she has never taken a road trip further than the neighboring states. Third of all, she almost always flies to her destinations. Fourth of all, her vacation breaks have not changed since college because she’s a public school teacher and if she actually took road tripping seriously, she has far more free time to do it than someone like me, who has to take their meager two weeks of vacation per year very seriously!

I guess you can say it pissed me off that she took something I said over a year ago at some party to prove how well-driven and cultured she is. I actually commented that if I am who she mentioned, I stand by what I said. All she did was like my comment. I’ll admit, I was prepared to have a total Facebook comment smackdown and was thoroughly disappointed it wasn’t.

I have reflected on my thirtieth year of life just how truly awkward and horrible I am at making new friends and keeping them.

So it’s time for a Facebook hiatus and I decided this time, I’ll try to replace that addiction with blogging. I haven’t blogged since my high school days with Live Journal. I’m almost ashamed of how out of touch I am with this whole blogging thing. It took me over an hour to create a domain and username and I’m still trying to get over the fact that the names don’t match after already paying $35.88. I’m sure replacing one type of social media addiction with another isn’t a wise decision, but at least this way I remain anonymous and say what I really mean without offending anyone I know personally.

I’ve decided in the most narcissistic way that my blog will focus on me, my life! I’m newly engaged, anti-social, cat loving, Star Wars and Harry Potter fangirl, children’s librarian, suffering from body negativity. The stories I tell are real and all the names have been changed to protect the assholes.