CrossFit Bro

If you dunno what CrossFit is, it’s an exercise program geared towards having you sacrifice over $200 of your monthly income to do random, absurd exercises like running 3 miles in the hot summer sun (without any running training leading up to it), plus 100 pull-ups. I have a good friend, who I will call CrossFit Bro, suffer intense pain and dehydration for stupidly doing just that. I had zero sympathy for him. If he were actually dying in the ICU, I think I’d still laugh at him before grieving.

I’ve been thinking about these types of exercise programs and those obstacle course races. Some are downright dangerous! But all in the name of bragging rights on Facebook and Instagram, right? What’s cooler than carrying a bucket of rocks weighing 80 lbs. down a slippery ravine?! Eating a Monte Cristo sandwich at Orleans Cafe in Disneyland, that’s what!
It took me almost a whole year to train so that I wouldn’t die during my first half-marathon. Real scheduled, structured training and diet. Nothing really prepares you mentally or physically for walking barefoot on a muddy ground covered in Lego pieces set on fire. I bet you that’s gonna be another obstacle if it’s not already one.

So Crossfit Bro is a good friend of mine. I wouldn’t call him a best friend because my best friend would probably kill me. He’s almost like a brother I’m half ashamed of and half amused by. We met in a Meetup group. If you dunno what Meetup is, it’s an organized group of lonely strangers meeting up to do random activities they may or may not enjoy in the face of not staying at home another hour to play Starcraft and eating another bag of Cheeto Puffs. I like to consider Meetup the sad phase of life right before reaching a milestone. As you can tell, I had really poor experiences with Meetup and more on that in later blog posts!

CrossFit Bro was your average single, shallow, drunk, strip club addicted, anti-feminist douche bag. The bulk of our friendship is done through Facebook Messenger and almost all of our chats used to end in arguments because this fool was as dumb as a bucket of 80 lbs. rocks. He received almost all of his continued education through a body building forum. A great resource for piss-poor life philosophy and advice on relationship destruction. There are so many derogatory nouns for women out there, so CrossFit Bro has got to be the male counterpart for #basicbitch.
My SO and closest friends could not understand why someone like me, an attractive 30-something, successful, intelligent and mostly morally grounded woman would put up with CrossFit Bro. I guess all I can say is I saw potential in him to mature and grow up that I normally don’t see in most human beings. It was enough for me to stick around as a very disgruntled friend.

Fast forward a year into our friendship, CrossFit Bro fell in love with a woman he met through Coffee Meets Bagel. She’s average looking, which stunned the hell out of me because remember, CrossFit Bro was shallow! She’s not a drop dead gorgeous, #10 model that could also dangle from a pole by her feet for more than five minutes. Here’s the biggest stunner: she’s a single mom of two. This coming from a guy who wholeheartedly believed that men are dicked 100% in custody battles! I thought the world was ending. Okay, it might still be ending. But who the fuck is this guy and did you make sure the real CrossFit Bro’s body could never be found?!

His outlook on life has changed entirely. His messages are noticeably more positive. He no longer acts sanctimonious, like he’s far better and more knowledgeable than people in love. He no longer responds in sarcasm, period. I now face a dilemma. While I knew he had the potential to mature and grow up, I did not mentally prepare myself for the actual transition. I really had low expectations for this guy. Instead of getting into arguments about how not all women were liars and gold diggers, now I’m rolling my eyes at his emotional (he used to tell me I was too emotional just because I have a vagina) declarations of intense love for his new girlfriend. So…new shit, but same level of obnoxious? Got it. Just you wait, he’ll be giving me marriage advice.